Desperation is setting in

Help!
George is on a diet (and therefore I kind of am too) and there is no junk food in the house!
Plus, we're doing Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover, and there is no budget for me to run out and buy junk food.
I do not want grapes or apples or carrots or yogurt. I want cruncy, messy, bad-for-you Doritos or potato chips. I would like some high fructose corn syrup, please. I'm getting pretty desperate here.