Willful Children

Today was the first day of summer break. I should have known better than to hope for sleeping in. At 6:30 am, Bart ran into our bedroom, freaking out about a big bug that was crawling toward Drake's crib. Drake was still asleep, thank goodness. It took us several minutes to convince Bart that it was OK, to let Drake sleep, the bug would likely just crawl away. So we sent him downstairs to watch cartoons. The bug, by the way, turned out to be a small beetle. Then, after George had left for work, Skylar brought Drake in to my room and set him down on the bed. I was still half-asleep, trying to drag myself into the land of the waking, when Drake threw one of the wooden dowels he has been using as drumsticks, smacking me right in the jaw and effectively bringing to an end the slow, delicious wake-up I was trying to savor. Hello, summer.
Later, after breakfast and morning chores, we went to the pool for a couple of hours. Bart was pretty defiant most of the morning, so after a lecture, and plenty of warnings, he ended up losing a total of twenty minutes of swim time, in five minute increments. We're really having a time with him right now, although we have always had issues with his behavior. He has a behavioral consultation with the pediatrician at the end of the month. Hopefully we will be able to put a finger on exactly what his problem is.
His pediatrician has suggested that he might have ODD, which is Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I wasn't familiar with it, but I'm open-minded to suggestions. I don't think Bart is ADD or ADHD, but there is definitely something going on with him. He is so excellent in school and church. He is never in trouble, he always stays on tasks and excels at his studies. At home, though, he is a whole different person. I'm too tired right now to put everything into words, but let's just suffice it to say that getting him to do anything at home is a battle. It's wearying, and frankly, George and I are starting to be more negative toward him than we are positive, which is a sure sign that something has to give.
Until the consult, we're reading a really helpful book that the pediatrician suggested. It's about strong-willed children, and Bart definitely fits the bill. I can still remember the tantrums he would throw as a toddler, all because we had to tell him no. I remember putting him in time-out in his room, only to come in to find all the furniture turned over, toys scattered, bedding pulled completely off, and the diaper pail overturned. All this before he turned three. I recall the time I came into his room to find it in this state after a really bad tantrum, only Bart had overturned the diaper pail and pulled the bag of dirty diapers out of it. He had crawled headfirst inside the nasty-smelling pail and was just lying there on the floor. I think it was after this episode that I started actually coming into the room with him and holding him through the tantrums. We would sit on his bed or on the floor while he screamed and kicked and hurled his arms and tried to grab my hair, face, whatever he could reach. One time, he got hold of my earring and ripped it halfway through my ear, leaving a scar. He was like a wild thing. If I could just hold him tight through the tantrum, he would eventually settle down. But it was so frustrating and scary, I would just hold him and these hysterical little laughs would bubble up in my throat. Sometimes I would cry. A few times, he was so violent that I had to put him tummy-down on the floor and put my knee into his back to keep him down, because I couldn't keep him from flying at me in his rage.
These fits were nothing like Bart is most of the time. He is a loving, bright, outgoing, and affectionate little boy. He makes friends easily and is a favorite with his teachers. After awhile, I thought we had finally outgrown the fits, that perhaps they were just a really bad phase of the terrible twos. But now, I really think that it is something else entirely. After all, the toddler years (and I'm being reminded of this now, as my once-easy-going Drake is beginning to become stubborn and willful), are when children really start to try to exert their independence. Apparently, Bart is an extremely willful child. But I'm heartened to find out that, while it might be hard, there are parenting techniques we can use to get him to respond to our rules and requests in a more favorable way, so that we might live a more peaceful family life. It's going to mean being extremely patient, and not getting angry when we don't get the response we desire right away. We have to remember that Bart is a completely different child than Skylar, and we have to respond to him differently. His little brain processes demands and disappointments in a far different way than Skylar's does. He is apparently a creature of instant gratification. As parents, we have to help delay gratification, until he is in control of himself enough to be able to weigh consequences and think beyond the present. It's been a long, exhausting few days for us all, I think, but both George and I can see a little improvement already. I think as we keep honing our parenting approach toward him, we will be even more encouraged to continue. We just want more than anything else for him to be a happy child. But we are not willing to allow that happiness to come at the expense of everyone else's happiness in the family. We're just going to have to work hard with him and love him above all else, love his unique (and, yes, at times teeth-grinding) little personality.
The evening ended fairly well. George and I worked together to help him stay on task and out of trouble. He set the table and ate a good dinner. I even persuaded him to try some of his veggies. We rewarded the children by letting them stay up a little later, watching about half of Nancy Drew. Then we had dessert and a pretty calm bed-time. I snuggled a few minutes with Bart and Skylar while George rocked Drake. That's one thing we've decided to try and get back into doing - whichever of us is not putting Drake to bed will spend an extra few minutes snuggling with Bart, like we used to do before Drake was born and life got a lot more hectic. Even though we spend time with the children before bed, reading and saying prayers, I really think Bart especially needs this little bit of extra one-on-one affection. I think we've skimped on it a little at bedtime since the boys share a room. I have a feeling the next several months are going to be difficult, but ultimately rewarding. Wish us luck.
By the way, I can't remember if I've mentioned what name we're thinking of for the baby: Lucy Elizabeth. Lucy, because it's one that both George and I actually can agree is pretty, and Elizabeth for my sister. Skylar is in favor of Gemma, while Bart likes Jamie. Drake's suggestions have all been pretty predictable: Baby.