Issues

I am having major issues lately. Wednesday night, after I found out George might have an opportunity to take a job in China, I was doing some research on living in China. I first went to our church website to see about Temple locations in China. Then I did a basic search on Google for Americans in China and found a site just telling about a lady's life in China, what she ate, etc. Well, I saw some kind of advertisement on the side of the website along with other ads. It was saying to boycott Israel due to atrocities it has committed. At first it looked like one of those feed the children/help injured children ads which are hard enough to look at. Then when you scrolled down there was a picture that made me physically ill. It has taken me this long to even be able to write anything about it.
Wednesday night, I did not go to bed until after three a.m because I was so upset. I cried, I shook, and I prayed for about twenty minutes, no joke, as to why someone would do such a thing/post such a thing and why I had to see it. Honestly, if I had been at some terrorist website, maybe, but it was a site that was just a normal site. It's a site any of my children could have easily gone to. In all my years of intensive (many hours per day) internet research, I have never come across something that disturbed me so greatly.
I went to bed finally, and made George hold me while I cried. I could not sleep. The entire next day I alternated between crying and being depressed. I asked George to meet me for lunch and I took the babies to the park because I did not want to be alone. I held the kids close and I thanked my Father in Heaven that I had them.
I cannot describe the image I saw, but I will never, ever forget it as long as I live.
Thursday night, I was so distraught. I could not sleep, but I was afraid to stay up by myself. I was afraid to go on the internet. I was just heartsick. I kept thinking that what I saw had to be fake. It had to be done to scare and upset people. Well, it did. It wasn't like the pictures of the Holocaust you see, which are awful. I'm not trying to downplay the Holocaust pictures, for heaven's sake I'm not, but to me they were not as real and as in my face as this.
I just didn't understand why I had to see that, why I saw it on a normal, innocent site. And I'm afraid my kids might see something like it. They would need therapy because I'm thinking I might need it myself.
George made me take two of Bart's anxiety/sleeping pills Thursday night so I could sleep. It helped me; I was so wound up and upset, I wouldn't have been able to sleep on my own.
Last night, I went to bed when George did. It was easier, as I knew it would be, but it still will not leave me.
And even though I don't want this image in my head, I don't want to forget it, either, because it happened, and this was a real, dear little person. Because I underestimate the evil in this world. And I am frustrated because I want to do something to help.
But I sit here and I can only be humbled and grateful that my children were born in a land where they can thrive, and we are free. There are many atrocities committed in the U.S. against children, too, but a person has more control over their child's safety.
I know, and George reiterated the fact that this life is fleeting, that it's only the dress rehearsal for eternity. That what we go through here on earth is nothing compared to the blessings and the joy we can have beyond this life. I know that children who are taken from this world early are spared having to endure the trials and the things that test us every day, that they are blessed in the afterlife. I know that children are dear to the Father. I know that his pain at the suffering of his children (young and old alike) is greater than we can comprehend. But it doesn't make it easier for me to bear sometimes. I'm just human, I'm a mother, and it breaks my heart.
Today was better. I don't think I wept openly, but at times I could feel my heart speed up and my throat close up, like I was getting hysterical again. My hands shake as I type.
I decided that I needed to speak to our bishop about this for a couple of reasons. First of all, I need peace on this matter. I have found a way to deal with the images in my head a little better, but I know they will always stay with me. I think I can deal with that, but I need to be at peace in my heart. And I need to know if there is anything a person like me can do to help.
George is sympathetic, but he thinks I'm overreacting a little. He didn't see what I saw. He can't understand, and there is no way I'm going to let him see. He's a bigger weenie than I am when it comes to queasy things. But it's true that sad things concerning children don't strike him quite as hard as they do me. This is only natural. I'm a mom and my every waking moment (and a lot of sleeping ones, too) is devoted to my children.
I'm not sure why all this happened. That first night I felt like I was going off the deep end. I felt like I was a witness to a child's death, and it was almost unreal to me. I was only able to start functioning well when I put it more into perspective with my sister's death. Being there at her side in the hospital was hard beyond belief. And I knew her. Thinking of it in this way, I have been able to get a handle on myself. But my heart still hurts and I am just not the same person.
Sometimes I feel like the experiences in my life are leading me toward something I can't understand yet. Or maybe I'm just not getting it - sometimes I can be slow to catch on to stuff that's right in front of my face. Or maybe I'm just too selfish, working toward my own goals, rather than doing what I'm meant to do. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I don't do well with subtle hints, or gentle nudges in the right direction. It takes a shout, or a shove.
Well, I guess I was shouted at. Possibly shoved pretty hard, too. But what do I do with it? What do I do now? I have known for several years that working toward helping children is probably what I'm meant to do. But to what extent and in what capacity, I don't know.
On the advice of my last bishop, I have pondered these things in my heart - like Mary - over the past few years. I'm not sure if I'm any closer to a real answer yet or not, but I have been pondering.
I do know one thing, though. I don't know if my emotional state can handle another shout out.
I know this is a bizarre post, but this has been a bizarre week for me. I feel emotionally drained and basically just weirded out. I feel sad and sick. I might need a vacation, but I think I would just feel guilty and not be able to enjoy it. Hopefully, I will be able to get some peace and find some answers soon.